Hateful post

I hate myself.

I am changed! I am cold. I don't feel. I  hurt. I hate people. I hate people who hurt me! I hate people for whom I have to put up my defences. 

I hate everything that's happened to me in the last two years. I hate the month of October. October of 2013. 

I can't put it in words. I don't have anything to say. I am so angered by my own inability to express myself. I loathe myself at my own stupidity. 

Can I die and be born new again. 

Arghhhhh hate you.

I hate everything. 

Don't believe whatever I wrote.

I am very happy with my life right now. I am content. I have a nice person to love and I have people who care for me. I have people who would die for me. But I don't want them to die for me. Ever. I am even pampered by my friends and then of course I have few guys who think I am

Absolutely gorgeous no matter what.

So why did it happen to me! Why why why

I haven't been writing and I have nothing new to write about. 

I only have depressing things to write about. I have grown older. And 23 is that age where you can not at all feel young. 

I feel it. I look old like a grown person. I am growing from my sides too. That sucks. 

And I have lost far too many a battle that I don't even want to try. My plans? What about them? I don't know. 

My life. I haven't figured it out. 

I am scared mostly. I just want to runaway to a far far land and never be known. To cease existing? Am I a coward? No, I am not. I am just tired. Helluva tired of your charades and your selfishness. I don't need you in my life. I infact hate you for putting in my head so much of negativity. My life was perfect before I met you. That depressed you that in turn depressed me. Because you know you don't want me. Or need me. So don't use me. Leave me alone. Let me be. 

I am fine on my own. I am trying to make a life for me too. And in that life the last thing I ever want to be is depressed! Leave me alone! Go away. If you have nothing to offer but glimpses of your deranged mind, just go away. Shooo shoo. 

I know life is short. And that we should take chances. Don't worry. I am taking my chances. One step at a time. One day at a time. And you are not worth wasting my time on! 

The world is round. 

I am sleeping on the ground.

I have not yet found

That thing that was to be found

Wow. I sound so profound. 

Sometimes studying a lot can get incredibly mundane. That's when I start to lose my mind. And of course I have a soul inside of me that is jumpy. It jumps all the time that it makes me jittery and restless. I am so cute like that. 

Mostly my mind is occupied with thoughts of how to crack the pg exams and how to do it. I am prepared mentally. 

I have to be. 

😪😪😪

Ok ok ok! I am going to be okay if I don't clear dnb cet! Or PGI. I am relaxed. I need to relax. Alright. Relax is the new cool. Laid back is the new cool. 

But that doesn't mean I am going to give the hard work a rest. My mind needs to relax. 

Nothing magical can come of at 23, it all extinguished at 21.

Actually I plan to dissolve into oblivion.

To disappear is an interesting feat.

What is my purpose? Should I even be asking that question? To reduce my entire existence to a single point of a purpose? 

I want to live everyday. I want my freedom.

My parents have granted me the freedom. 

Today I work and I enjoy working. I don't want to be one of those mediocre people who complain about having work to work for. I mean, I see people in desperate situations that it makes me thankful to be where I am today. I do get frustrated sometimes but then there are other things to cheer me up.

Friends, food, beauty, life and most importantly that one person who is so morally dignified that well no amount of qualifications can top it. Not even my tennis smashes.

peace- Dr. Diksha.

(Note- The 'D' is finally capitalized).