Sometimes studying a lot can get incredibly mundane. That's when I start to lose my mind. And of course I have a soul inside of me that is jumpy. It jumps all the time that it makes me jittery and restless. I am so cute like that. 

Mostly my mind is occupied with thoughts of how to crack the pg exams and how to do it. I am prepared mentally. 

I have to be. 

😪😪😪

Ok ok ok! I am going to be okay if I don't clear dnb cet! Or PGI. I am relaxed. I need to relax. Alright. Relax is the new cool. Laid back is the new cool. 

But that doesn't mean I am going to give the hard work a rest. My mind needs to relax. 

Nothing magical can come of at 23, it all extinguished at 21.

Actually I plan to dissolve into oblivion.

To disappear is an interesting feat.

What is my purpose? Should I even be asking that question? To reduce my entire existence to a single point of a purpose? 

I want to live everyday. I want my freedom.

My parents have granted me the freedom. 

Today I work and I enjoy working. I don't want to be one of those mediocre people who complain about having work to work for. I mean, I see people in desperate situations that it makes me thankful to be where I am today. I do get frustrated sometimes but then there are other things to cheer me up.

Friends, food, beauty, life and most importantly that one person who is so morally dignified that well no amount of qualifications can top it. Not even my tennis smashes.

peace- Dr. Diksha.

(Note- The 'D' is finally capitalized).

Oh right.

I am so obsolete, I need to make a comeback.

Yeah, I have so many things to write about. Such as I wanted to write about Mirka Federer and Anjali Tendulkar and parallel them in my writing, saying why that Roger Federer would be no Fed had it not been for Mirka, and Sachin would be no Sachin Tendulkar had it not been for Anjali. But I never wrote and now I am out of words.
I wanted to write about this engineer-turned-photographer guy but I never did.
I am such a complainer. I have so many things to complain about.

You Didn't see

I came,
You didn't see.

I stayed.
You didn't see.

I tried.
You didn't see.

You were looking
But you didn't see.

I hovered around,
Like a buzzing bee
But you simply did not see.

I left.
You didn't see.

You started looking.
Now do you see?


peace.

Stupid.

I don't feel accomplished at all.

I feel stupid.

I have problems. We all have problems. Nothing new there.

I have exams. The very final one. 

The best thing that happened to me in final year was the formation of my study group.

Sure enough everyone of the accomplished doctors I have met, always remind me to do 'group studies'. Until I hadn't formed mine, I thought it the phrase was a clever oxymoron. Group and studying? Most of the people are perpetually trying to hide how much they study. 

So, how can a people join in a group and admit to studying and study together?

I have all the MCQ question banks. My friend Akanksha Singh has all the DAMS coaching books from her earlier coaching days. I had been solving several MCQs again and again but it was getting me nowhere because I was always lacking some more material. And so was that in her case.

We decided to exchange books. A book for a book. Nothing more, nothing less. 

In final year, I have sat on the very first row, but the corner most everyday! From the back most row I have progressed to the front row. And then came Akanksha from her back row to the front. 

That's our spot in class. Away from the glare of the lecturers, but just in range not to be missed. Having her next to me and she was equally and more enthusiastic than me in acquiring medical gyan, so we began to exchange whatever we knew.

Reinforcing each others missed observation. Letting her know of what I know and she did the same too. We needed to have a larger group.

And we did.

We have been studying together. Few hours everyday. Had it not been for the group, I swear I would right now be lying on the floor crying about not finishing the course in time.

I still feel stupid though. 

Other than that, I have become a sensible shopper now. 
I am poor. I don't earn yet. 

And when I actually begin to earn once my internship starts, its never going to be sufficient for whatever I desire. Ah, those clothes one doesn't really need!

I feel at peace. Still stupid.

peace- dr. Diksha.

Case Sheet:

Dated: 4th, Feb, 2014.

Name:- Ms. Diksha Chhetri
Age- 22,    Sex- F.
Religion-- Polytheist.
Occupation-- Student.
Marital status-- Single.
Address-- Room no 23, KIMS girls hostel.

Chief complaints:- Pt. complains she is always confused- since 3 years.
                        -- Absurdity- since last 3 years.
                     

History of present illness-- The patient was apparently alright 3 years ago. To start with she was carefree and happy, with no aims and no particular ambitions. She had a good social life, with wide circle of friends and she was satisfied. But she started earning disapproval from her lecturers. In the rounds she noticed that she didn't know anything. This progressed and ultimately the pressure built up, and one day a lecturer told everyone to "Muu dekhaney ka layak banaoo tum log!". That day onward she started stream lining her activities and her social life got disrupted. She started avoiding all forms of social interaction and books were her new friends. She noticed that the more she read, the more confused she became. She is confused about what to read, how to read and what next after this. Complains that she is now confused about everything, but all the while has gained ambitions and motivation.
The confusion is exacerbated by good movies, fashionable clothes/make-up/boys and on seeing her other peers having lots of fun and not always stuck in the library. 
The confusion doesn't subside even after sleeping snugly for hours at a stretch. She gets temporary relief from confusion while she is day dreaming which occurs several times a day.

Absurdity- She plans of doing many things while studying MBBS which are remotely possible. Like playing tennis at nationals levels or learning to swim like a mermaid, or reading too many literary novels, and crashing parties.  She also uses Facebook to show the world that she is having lots of fun and not studying, which she says is a decoy to let others think she is a fun person.
Complains of being teased by her non-medical peers by words such as 'nerd'/ geek wannabe and says that she feels angry instead of scared.

She also complains of episodes of extreme frustrations during which she acts very blindly. Once or twice in a year.


History of past illness-- Past history of being too weird and petulant and immature and rash. Has many records of stupid stories to her name.
Past history of severe depression but has recovered now and doesn't feel negative anymore.

Personal history: Occasional drinker which are all marred by embarrassing/ humiliating stories.
-Non-smoker.
-Hypochondriac.
-Foodie and a work-out freak.

Diet-- Dal and bhat and alo---everyday. (hostel food!)

Drug history-- Iron tablets and vitamins. 
                  - Calcium sandoz on daily basis (told ya shes hypochondriac).

On examination:- The patient is in-cooperative. (but she is a sweet young beautiful lady unlike what she describes in her history).

Provisional diagnosis- A normal medical student. 

Treatment: 1)Ignore her rants.
                  2) Never ask her 'how's studies going on?'
                  3) Advised to cook grand twice a month and eat with similar friends.
                  4)Advised to find a group of study pals (which she has :) )
                  5) Advised to work smartly.



peace- dr. Diksha.

Like now.

You are like "Life is short anyway, and we ought to do it now!"

Now now now. Like now.

And then you do it. Just now. You know the consequences. You know you will regret. But life is composed of nows. RIGHT Nows.

Because you fear death. You fear you will die, a death burdened with could have done that! Could have lived that way. Dreary way to die.

Nobody wants to die that way. If there is an afterlife, you will need something to chuckle about. 

So you will do it now. 

But you live and years later your memories will haunt you. 

Choose wisely what you do. 

Be wild. Be crazy. Be good. Be smart enough.

peace- dr. Diksha.

The New Movie Hercules.

         The Legend of Hercules is to be released this year by July. Dwayne Johnson will portray Hercules.

But why I am writing this is because Irina Shayk is in the movie too. She will play Megara and I am stoked! And alarmed!

Hope she can conduct the acting with ease as easily as she poses for photo-shoots. Because Hercules is dear to me, as is every Greek demi-god Hero. And Irina is my favourite super model other than Adriana Lima.

This was when they were watching Rafeal Nadal vs Novak Djoker.

peace- dr. Diksha.

2013 was...

I have learnt that 1st of January are meant to be celebrated with the ones you are with. I have learnt that the people you are with in real life are the ones you have to spend time with. 

I have learnt that promises are words difficult to keep. I have learnt that promises you should give rarely and mean it. So I will promise less and keep more. 

I have learnt that family is everything. I have learnt that friends are essential. I have also learnt that friends can make you, as well as break you anytime and so one has to be always on guard. 

I have learnt to let go of my defences. I have also reinforced my defences. I have not yet learnt to whom I should let my defences down! And so until I learn, I am constantly going to put myself into trouble. 

I have learnt the power of silence. I have also learnt that silence is boring. Sometimes silence is sexy but silence over done is excruciatingly boring. That maybe the most introvert of them are going through a lot.

I have learnt not to judge. I have learnt the fairer way of criticism. Yes, I know I have. I can pass on my judgements in the most unbiased way and that is one powerful character I possess.

I have learnt this the hard way. Years and years of slapstick remarks and troubles has made me into this fair person I am. I am silent now when I have to be.

I have learnt how to apply make up and look like a female. I also walk like a girl now. I have learnt in the past year that I am growing up to be a ughhh woman! However strong and independent I claim to be, I have also learnt that I am equally vulnerable. And that I should always look out for myself. 

I have learnt the power of hard-work and dedication. I have also learnt that if you want something then you have to stop complaining and start working. I have learnt that ranting is pointless but that it feels good when there's someone listening to you. And so I will listen to people's rants and maybe offer suggestions but only for a short while. Constant ranting is a feature of a weak mind.

I have learnt that to avoid myself from ranting to people,I should tweet as much as I want and forget about it completely.

I have learnt that a strong mind is the most appealing character to find. A mind that doesn't waver and a heart that doesn't intimidate is sexy. I have learnt that being with a weak mind is exhausting. I have learnt that the most powerful organ in your body is the brain. 

But most importantly I have learnt when to let go. I have learnt I should have let it go a long time ago, and it was my fault I kept holding on and on and on that it destroyed me. It destroyed the both of us. I have learnt to rebuild myself from the debris. I have learnt a lot about relationships and that now I am a sound advisor and also a good detector of how well the things are going. I have learnt that love is not a game. Love is always true and pure and genuine. Genuine! And selfless and protective and also sensible. Everything good. If it is not, then it isn't love.

I also know hate. I know loathsome too. I have been subjected to this games of hate and it sucks to be a part of it. Now I know how to avert this game entirely and now that I am twenty two I am going to be so good a person that there will be no hate around me. 

But surely I will come across some people I will hate. No doubt. I will hate a person because of their individual tenacity, but never because of their race or religion! 

I have learnt that if you don't clean your room, then It will be unclean. And unclean rooms are sad. 

I have learnt that anger is dangerous and it should be controlled. I have learned to channel my angers. I have learnt calm. I have learnt how to disagree without being unpleasant. I have learnt that people call me a control freak and I will take that label and be proud of it! 

I have kept my last years resolution to give time to the people around me and carried it out well.😊

Peace-dr. Diksha