And no, I don't want to go. I don't want to go to that luxury hotel and dress pretty and drink wine and post a photo online. No, I don't want to scrub in a surgery. And I don't want to wake up early every morning when everybody else is sleeping because I am not like them. I don't want to be labelled as a pretty girl. I don't want to be in the list of gorgeous girls in college. I don't want to make an effort. I dont want anything. I feel heavy. And it's hot here. I sweat. I don't want to sweat but I can't control it. I sweat and I get dehydrated even if I stay in bed all day. And it feels like such an effort to even move a muscle. I feel so heavy to myself. Even breathing feels like a lot of work. But I breath anyway sometimes having to take in a large amount of air through my mouth because my system becomes hypercapnic because I am lying so still on the bed. And I breath in a large amount of air not because I want to. It just happens. My body controls it too. Thank you medulla. It's an effort to even move my toes. I feel like a lot of my energy goes in doing that because I get exhausted. I find breathing exhausting gig! And I find everything exhausting 8 am still very dehydrated. I am so dehydrated and then I want to feel water. Somehow I manage to get myself a bottle of water from the water filter that's like a 100 steps away from here. 

No, I don't want to play tennis or be labelled a champ. And neither do I want to be known, nor do I want to know anyone. 

But I don't want to die either. 

I don't want to die. I want to die a natural death. An accidental death. A freak accident! A murder even. Any kind of death. Because I am afraid someday I might kill myself. I don't want to die because I didn't have the will to live. And I am afraid.