Friday, September 18, 2015

September 17th

Today is my sister's birthday.
I wished her profusely, again and again and again throughout the day because I want her to know how much she means to me. She has along with my youngest sister given me the joys of sisterhood, siblingship and sibling-rivalry which I cherish so dearly.

It's been an eventful day. Today is also Ganesh Chaturthi and Bishwakarma puja. I ate bacon sandwich for breakfast.

I am a tennis player. Amateur. I am a tennis hobbyist. I love tennis. I am addicted to tennis. I have woken up everyday at 5 am just to be able to play 1.5 hours of quality tennis. I have played for All India Tennis Association for 2 times before. I am also in medical school. Which means I am the Jackass of All Trades and Master of None.

Jackass of All trades and Mistress of none. Mistress of no-one either. Haha. Forgive me, sometimes I can be so crass. I am not crass all the time though. So I am a good company. I am smart and witty and I make sure you get my point across.

Anyway, about the thing that I am writing about today, is basically about nothing.

I just want to write it here that Surgery is ADDICTIVE. I want it more and more and more. I Love the feel of the sharp blade against the skin. I am not certified to do that yet. I am however certified to stitch back the cut skin. And I love the feel of the needle holder and the needle against the skin. I love how I have to flick my wrist. I love that control. I being able to hold that suture and giving the knots.

But I can't do it when I play tennis on that morning. I simply can't do it. My hands tremble. I can't be precise. My arms tire easily in the day.

So I am giving up on tennis. I didn't specifically qualify this year for the matches. I have been out of practice for two years but my coach, Coach Jaya told me that I could play if I wanted to but I have to practice for a few weeks before. I did go for a day or two and that day my hands trembled which I struggled in a woman's cut genitals suturing it back. I was sad. I was terribly sad and disappointed. So I gave up on tennis. The matches are yet to start. I lost a chance. I really wanted it. I know I am nobody special but I am really good at this game. Not just another tennis player. I am a high performance perfect shot but not an acing player.

Today my duty started at 2 PM. I reached at 2:15 PM. I was fifteen minutes late because today I took extra time with my make-up. I applied red-lip colour. I have absolutely no idea why I applied a red-lip colour for my casualty duty. I was letting go of tennis and embracing that henceforth I will be faithful to my profession. I will play mediocre tennis but I want to be an expert in the art of stitching a human up. SO the red colour.

Today is Ganesh Chaturthi. While walking towards the hospital there's a large field of nothing. Boys were playing gully cricket and I looked at them and wished one of them fall and require going to the hospital and getting stitches.

I arrived at my work place at 2:15 PM. Fifteen minutes late. The doors to the casualty was sealed shut, unusual for a casualty.  And there was my colleague with a near dead person. He was giving continuous vigirous chest compressions. As soon as I saw it, I ran towards and just stood there stunned. The nurse got the AMBU bag. The doctor from the ICU arrived. He was informed that injections of Adrenaline and atropine had been given. He intubated the patient. He provided the person air. The person died.

He didn't have any family members. He was from another state in India and he was a labourer. A young healthy looking male labourer and he died on the casualty bed. The doctor declared him dead.

There was another patient, a female who tried committing suicide by hanging herself. She didn't die but the state of her life was terrible. She was chocking and she cried. She wanted to live now. She was referred to the ICU.

I felt bad for ever wishing one of the guys fall and require coming to the hospital and getting stitches. I pray everyone remain safe and sound.
I am ever so sorry I wrote in my previous post that it was such a depressing post. I am depressed. I know that. I have been hurt by people and now I am slowly recovering. I did a good job today. I don't want to go through being dead half-way and realising that I want to live!
And It made me angry to think I was fifteen minutes late! I missed fifteen minutes of cases! I missed fifteen minutes of chances!

Later the attending surgeon watched me while I stitched up an old woman's lacerated knee and he told me 'to become a surgeon' since he thinks that I have the 'temperament of a surgeon'. I am so elated, so high right now. I am not thinking of the possibilities. It would be bad to think too high of myself too soon.  I am just a hard working, good looking female who loves to play occasional tennis and can swim gracefully. I am just another hard working doctor struggling to be good enough so that I can provide quality care.

I was sad for the last few months because I have been aching to play nation level tennis and I cannot if I have to pursue my career in medicine. I am letting go of that. It kind of sucks to think I will just be another average tennis player. But at least I can play a good game of tennis.

~~~ Peace- Dr. Diksha.

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