There's so much peace in clarity. 

Being too Nice.

I regret being too nice.

Like I am so nice that I don't say anything when someone takes food from my plate, but that I just come back to my room and then I don't eat it.

Because I was too nice to object.

It sickens me. I was coming with my food from the dinner mess and I am holding the plate and getting in my room and she comes and asks whats there for dinner tonight. I am so nice. I smaile and show her that tonight we have these and these. Ans she just grabs one of the dry potato from the curry and gobbles it up, and then says 'Mind if I do'.

Sick. I felt acute anger. And I made a face. A face to show I didn't like it. But she didn't get it.

I should have been clearer, that it is ok not to just come over and take food from my plate with unwashed hands and eat it! I don't like sharing food. I am particular about my utensils!

September 17th

Today is my sister's birthday.
I wished her profusely, again and again and again throughout the day because I want her to know how much she means to me. She has along with my youngest sister given me the joys of sisterhood, siblingship and sibling-rivalry which I cherish so dearly.

It's been an eventful day. Today is also Ganesh Chaturthi and Bishwakarma puja. I ate bacon sandwich for breakfast.

I am a tennis player. Amateur. I am a tennis hobbyist. I love tennis. I am addicted to tennis. I have woken up everyday at 5 am just to be able to play 1.5 hours of quality tennis. I have played for All India Tennis Association for 2 times before. I am also in medical school. Which means I am the Jackass of All Trades and Master of None.

Jackass of All trades and Mistress of none. Mistress of no-one either. Haha. Forgive me, sometimes I can be so crass. I am not crass all the time though. So I am a good company. I am smart and witty and I make sure you get my point across.

Anyway, about the thing that I am writing about today, is basically about nothing.

I just want to write it here that Surgery is ADDICTIVE. I want it more and more and more. I Love the feel of the sharp blade against the skin. I am not certified to do that yet. I am however certified to stitch back the cut skin. And I love the feel of the needle holder and the needle against the skin. I love how I have to flick my wrist. I love that control. I being able to hold that suture and giving the knots.

But I can't do it when I play tennis on that morning. I simply can't do it. My hands tremble. I can't be precise. My arms tire easily in the day.

So I am giving up on tennis. I didn't specifically qualify this year for the matches. I have been out of practice for two years but my coach, Coach Jaya told me that I could play if I wanted to but I have to practice for a few weeks before. I did go for a day or two and that day my hands trembled which I struggled in a woman's cut genitals suturing it back. I was sad. I was terribly sad and disappointed. So I gave up on tennis. The matches are yet to start. I lost a chance. I really wanted it. I know I am nobody special but I am really good at this game. Not just another tennis player. I am a high performance perfect shot but not an acing player.

Today my duty started at 2 PM. I reached at 2:15 PM. I was fifteen minutes late because today I took extra time with my make-up. I applied red-lip colour. I have absolutely no idea why I applied a red-lip colour for my casualty duty. I was letting go of tennis and embracing that henceforth I will be faithful to my profession. I will play mediocre tennis but I want to be an expert in the art of stitching a human up. SO the red colour.

Today is Ganesh Chaturthi. While walking towards the hospital there's a large field of nothing. Boys were playing gully cricket and I looked at them and wished one of them fall and require going to the hospital and getting stitches.

I arrived at my work place at 2:15 PM. Fifteen minutes late. The doors to the casualty was sealed shut, unusual for a casualty.  And there was my colleague with a near dead person. He was giving continuous vigirous chest compressions. As soon as I saw it, I ran towards and just stood there stunned. The nurse got the AMBU bag. The doctor from the ICU arrived. He was informed that injections of Adrenaline and atropine had been given. He intubated the patient. He provided the person air. The person died.

He didn't have any family members. He was from another state in India and he was a labourer. A young healthy looking male labourer and he died on the casualty bed. The doctor declared him dead.

There was another patient, a female who tried committing suicide by hanging herself. She didn't die but the state of her life was terrible. She was chocking and she cried. She wanted to live now. She was referred to the ICU.

I felt bad for ever wishing one of the guys fall and require coming to the hospital and getting stitches. I pray everyone remain safe and sound.
I am ever so sorry I wrote in my previous post that it was such a depressing post. I am depressed. I know that. I have been hurt by people and now I am slowly recovering. I did a good job today. I don't want to go through being dead half-way and realising that I want to live!
And It made me angry to think I was fifteen minutes late! I missed fifteen minutes of cases! I missed fifteen minutes of chances!

Later the attending surgeon watched me while I stitched up an old woman's lacerated knee and he told me 'to become a surgeon' since he thinks that I have the 'temperament of a surgeon'. I am so elated, so high right now. I am not thinking of the possibilities. It would be bad to think too high of myself too soon.  I am just a hard working, good looking female who loves to play occasional tennis and can swim gracefully. I am just another hard working doctor struggling to be good enough so that I can provide quality care.

I was sad for the last few months because I have been aching to play nation level tennis and I cannot if I have to pursue my career in medicine. I am letting go of that. It kind of sucks to think I will just be another average tennis player. But at least I can play a good game of tennis.

~~~ Peace- Dr. Diksha.

And no, I don't want to go. I don't want to go to that luxury hotel and dress pretty and drink wine and post a photo online. No, I don't want to scrub in a surgery. And I don't want to wake up early every morning when everybody else is sleeping because I am not like them. I don't want to be labelled as a pretty girl. I don't want to be in the list of gorgeous girls in college. I don't want to make an effort. I dont want anything. I feel heavy. And it's hot here. I sweat. I don't want to sweat but I can't control it. I sweat and I get dehydrated even if I stay in bed all day. And it feels like such an effort to even move a muscle. I feel so heavy to myself. Even breathing feels like a lot of work. But I breath anyway sometimes having to take in a large amount of air through my mouth because my system becomes hypercapnic because I am lying so still on the bed. And I breath in a large amount of air not because I want to. It just happens. My body controls it too. Thank you medulla. It's an effort to even move my toes. I feel like a lot of my energy goes in doing that because I get exhausted. I find breathing exhausting gig! And I find everything exhausting 8 am still very dehydrated. I am so dehydrated and then I want to feel water. Somehow I manage to get myself a bottle of water from the water filter that's like a 100 steps away from here. 

No, I don't want to play tennis or be labelled a champ. And neither do I want to be known, nor do I want to know anyone. 

But I don't want to die either. 

I don't want to die. I want to die a natural death. An accidental death. A freak accident! A murder even. Any kind of death. Because I am afraid someday I might kill myself. I don't want to die because I didn't have the will to live. And I am afraid. 

Gray.

I am just watching myself how every inch of me is breaking away from me. I am not me. I don't do things that I did and I don't want what I have wanted. Getting up from the bed is the hardest thing to do. 

Work And life.

Nothing is wrong with my job. 

What is wrong is in my spirits! 

I like to pretend I have no readers. I hope I don't.

In case you are reading this, you have to know that the one writing on this blog happens to be an ogress. Green and doped. Dope. I am so dope. 

I have been sick for the last 10-11 days. And it felt so different one day to wake up with no pain.

Whether it happened to me or not,
it was ultimately going to come to me with age

...intifada

Hateful post

I hate myself.

I am changed! I am cold. I don't feel. I  hurt. I hate people. I hate people who hurt me! I hate people for whom I have to put up my defences. 

I hate everything that's happened to me in the last two years. I hate the month of October. October of 2013. 

I can't put it in words. I don't have anything to say. I am so angered by my own inability to express myself. I loathe myself at my own stupidity. 

Can I die and be born new again. 

Arghhhhh hate you.

I hate everything. 

Don't believe whatever I wrote.

I am very happy with my life right now. I am content. I have a nice person to love and I have people who care for me. I have people who would die for me. But I don't want them to die for me. Ever. I am even pampered by my friends and then of course I have few guys who think I am

Absolutely gorgeous no matter what.

So why did it happen to me! Why why why

I haven't been writing and I have nothing new to write about. 

I only have depressing things to write about. I have grown older. And 23 is that age where you can not at all feel young. 

I feel it. I look old like a grown person. I am growing from my sides too. That sucks. 

And I have lost far too many a battle that I don't even want to try. My plans? What about them? I don't know. 

My life. I haven't figured it out. 

I am scared mostly. I just want to runaway to a far far land and never be known. To cease existing? Am I a coward? No, I am not. I am just tired. Helluva tired of your charades and your selfishness. I don't need you in my life. I infact hate you for putting in my head so much of negativity. My life was perfect before I met you. That depressed you that in turn depressed me. Because you know you don't want me. Or need me. So don't use me. Leave me alone. Let me be. 

I am fine on my own. I am trying to make a life for me too. And in that life the last thing I ever want to be is depressed! Leave me alone! Go away. If you have nothing to offer but glimpses of your deranged mind, just go away. Shooo shoo. 

I know life is short. And that we should take chances. Don't worry. I am taking my chances. One step at a time. One day at a time. And you are not worth wasting my time on! 

The world is round. 

I am sleeping on the ground.

I have not yet found

That thing that was to be found

Wow. I sound so profound.