Saturday, February 11, 2012


It's 3 AM and I know I need to write down that very something which has had been haunting my head the last few days. 

Have you ever come across a realization? Because I not only have A realization, I often come up with multiple realizations and for a brief moment it feels like I have attained Nirvana, but the feeling is short lived. It dies as quickly as it came and the "realization" which I had realized confuses me. Am I insane? My very own thoughts do confuse me at times.

So a few days ago I tucked myself under my white dirty blanket and closed my eyes. I needed to get the sleep at the utmost for 3 hours later I would be out on the tennis court thrusting all my anger on that green king ball. 
But sleep it didn't come to me when I needed it the most and so my mind being so adventurous  explored the un-thought, un sorted parts of my brain. And so I realized something new.

Have I been delving myself so deep into my career that I have totally ignored my friends and lost touch with them? My friends, as in specifically my Bhutanese friends who study here. There are 29 of us here and every body of us are studying different courses.
But they have a jovial life style compared to mine. I am not complaining. My classes start at 8 AM sharp and end by 5 PM (not so sharp).  They get together as frequently as they can and by the time I am returning from my tedious boring classes I see them dressed up flamboyantly flaunting the cool "we are going to play basketball" walk with that orange basketball in hand, dribbling at certain places that gives the Oh-So-Cool impression. And all I am in is the non-fitting Indian attire with a lab coat and of course the grime and sweat ( and not to forget microbes)  of the whole day collected from the precious laboratories and the surgery ward. 

With a poker face on I go on as if it doesn't matter to me. Well that is what I used to do, until it really stopped mattering to me. 

Before when it had all mattered , I would come to my room as fast as I could. You could have compared my speed and efficiency to Flash of the Justice League. I would wash my dirty pimple laden face and apply god knows whatever facial cream I would get the fastest and dress up and run off to the basketball court. I will admit I am not a bad player, but I am not so excellent at it either. My Bhutanese friends are however amazing at the game. I would try to fit myself in in every possible way and return back to hostel as late as time could allow. I was alone and I needed people from my country to make me feel a better for I was not used to Indian faces and Indian friends (more on this later).
It was tiring and a demanding challenge. The kind of tiring which I didn't exactly like.The balance was tipping off and my medical career (my real career) was on the losing side.  And I lagged behind by few, and then a little bit more and a little bit and then a lot more chapters in Anatomy, Physiology and Bio-chemistry. 
I decided to cut it down. Personally I dislike basket ball. I would describe the game as a little bit too violent, but the cool type of. And the game lacks glamour. 
So I took up to not going there anymore. And gradually I lost track of everyone. Very gradually I lost every ones comfort and warmth. At first it was cool. Then my boyfriend came in my life and I spent more time with him going to the library together and getting to know each other.....
And that was the end of basket ball career for me. And soon enough I discovered our similar passion for lawn tennis and table tennis. And took up to early morning coaching sessions together. See we are so complementary to each other, it's cute and annoying at times.
And I delved myself deeper into my subject. More into my studies and more time for my classmates. There are no Indian no Bhutanese when it comes to being friends FOR ME. It doesn't matter whoever the person is. All I want is a friend.

But I am sorry my Bhutanese friends. I miss all of you at times. Now when we cross paths there is that diffident uncomfortable zone of 'You ditched us to be with your Indian boyfriend'  atmosphere. I want to explain it is not easy for me to be so jaunty and free. I am a focused person and I hate anyone who comes in between me and my dreams. They are of course not blocking my ambitious pathway, but it's just that uncomfortable aura that gets me to my heart....

And so I will say it today... I am sorry AG I am not with you when you need me the most. You see AG is an amazing person. Probably the best friend I have ever come across. He is usually confused and is a hopeless romantic and he needs me at times to hit him on the head to get him back to earth from his chivalrous fantasies. But I am not there for him because I am too busy being in class.
I am sorry SY and YS. You were the very first friends I had when I came here. I know I have a tough shell I can survive in places alone. But when you needed me I was too busy studying.
I am sorry my brother TJ sometimes you tended to care for me too much and now that you feel I don't need you anymore you have really become different. That is absolutely fine with me. But I am sorry I am too busy playing lawn tennis early in the morning than be playing basketball in the evenings.

And I guess I can't apologise to 28 other people now, can I?
It's not only about basketball. It regards to everything that we used to do together. Just that I am elsewhere and they are elsewhere and well I am who I am.

Now I am confused if I was ever wrong to have been apologizing!

No comments: